Karen is an intelligent and caring college student who has struggled with serious depression and suicidal thoughts for the past three years. She wanted to share her story and a poem that she wrote.
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Karen, you are an amazing person and you have a VERY bright future ahead of you. I want to remind you that I love you very much…and that you are one of the most sensitive and special human beings on the planet. You are awesome!
I love you,
Kevin Caruso
I Hate to be Me: Coping with my Suicidal Feelings after my Mom’s Death
by Karen, and Kevin Caruso
I like to write poems because they allow me to let my feelings out. I wrote a poem recently called “I Hate to be Me” and this is it:
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I Hate to be Me
In my pain I see the rain and I will be set free
This little girl is in a whirl and I hate to be me
So I will go and be above ‘cause life is a useless chore
My only hope is that you forgive me for I can live no more
I fly away to find my way with drugs flowing in my veins
And now you see life is not for me so I cannot remain
I tried and tried but I must die and end this life of dread
I only want one thing for me and that is to be dead
Oh, now you know, how I hate to be me
I do not like life and it does not like me
I hate to be me
Oh, now you know, how I hate to be me
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My big problem started when my mom died in a car accident when I was fifteen. My mom and I were best friends and I really got depressed after that.
But I had many other problems so I was already feeling depressed.
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months before my mom died, and that was still bothering me a lot. And I tried out to be a cheerleader and I did not make it. And one of my best friends moved away and that was difficult.
I also am a very shy person, and that always causes problems for me. I get very nervous around people I don’t know. And I really don’t like school that much.
And my self-image is kind of low. I don’t like myself. I oftentimes wish I was someone else. I am very skinny and I don’t look all that good. I’m not beautiful, so I really wish I looked different. I got stuck with a body and face that aren’t much to look at.
So I was already depressed and then I found out that my mom died and that made me suicidal.
My dad called me when I was at a friend’s house and he said that there was an emergency and that my brother would pick me up right away. He didn’t tell me anything more than that.
So when Alex picked me up I asked him what was wrong and he said that he would tell me in the car. So then when we got in the car he said that mom was in a car accident and was in the hospital. I started crying and then Alex drove me to the hospital.
I was very scared and when we arrived my dad and a bunch of other people were there. My dad took Alex and me off to the side and said that mom was dead.
I started crying and shaking and I could not believe my ears. It all happened so fast and I would never be able to see my mom again.
That is when I started thinking about suicide.
I never really tried to kill myself, but I did think about it a lot. My dad made me see a psychiatrist because he saw that I was really depressed. I didn’t really like the psychiatrist. He always made me nervous and he wasn’t a very nice person, but I kept going because my dad wanted me to. I went to him for about a year and a half until I told my dad I wanted to stop.
I still kept thinking about killing myself but I just never did anything to hurt myself. I don’t think I will ever kill myself, but I keep wishing I was dead. So, I guess if I died from a disease or accident I really wouldn’t care, and that way it wouldn’t be a suicide.
I think I really can’t kill myself because I don’t want to hurt my family and my boyfriend. I do have a good boyfriend that I met at college and he listens to me whenever I need to talk and that helps a lot. And I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just couldn’t do that.
But I think about suicide a lot, and write about it a lot.
I am also seeing a therapist now and she is much better than the psychiatrist that I saw. I think that she is helping, but I don’t think that she understands much about me.
No, I won’t kill myself, but I do think about it and it is weird but it makes me feel better. I really don’t know why. Maybe if I keep going to the therapist I won’t think as much about suicide, but I’m not sure. I might think about suicide for the rest of my life as a kind of escape, but then never really kill myself.
I just wish I didn’t feel depressed so much of the time. That bothers me a lot. I hope that one day I can finally get over this depression and the painful feelings I have about losing my mom.
But I promise I won’t kill myself.
If you or someone you know is suicidal, please go to the Home Page of this website for immediate help.
Thank you.
I love you.
Take care,
Kevin Caruso
