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My Husband Killed Himself; I Found the Body;
but I Tell Everyone he had a Heart Attack

Cynthia is an intelligent, caring, and amazing person who lost her husband to suicide. In this article Cynthia shares how she decided to tell others that her husband died from a heart attack instead of by suicide.

Please keep in mind that each suicide survivor needs to make up his or her own mind about how to address this issue. There is no right or wrong…there is only what is best for each survivor.

Some survivors talk freely about the suicide; others tell only some people; and others decide not to tell anyone.

Again, there is no right or wrong…there is only what is best for each survivor.

But please be sure to get help as you continue along your road of healing. Get into therapy; surround yourselves with friends and family; and reach out for help whenever you need it.


Cynthia, you are an amazing person and you inspire me every day of my life.

I love you and respect you more than you can imagine,

Kevin Caruso

My Husband Killed Himself; I Found the Body;
but I Tell Everyone he had a Heart Attack

By Cynthia, and Kevin Caruso

My husband shot himself in the head…and I found his body.

I walked into the den and saw him. He was slumped over his desk in a large pool of blood. A shriek immediately came out of me that must have sounded like a scream from a wounded animal. I then quickly collapsed to the floor.

I was dizzy, numb, disoriented, and devastated…and that just was the beginning of my nightmare.

I never thought Gary would kill himself. I did not see it coming. So the shock of the suicide completely overwhelmed me and I could barely function for several months.

But I was still a mother, and a business woman, and was involved with several community groups, so I needed to somehow get myself through each day. But it was not easy.

One of the things that really bothered me was how people responded when I told them that Gary killed himself – I would get really weird looks and stares. So I thought about making up a story about his death. But after some contemplation, I felt it was best to be honest. So I kept telling anyone who asked that Gary shot himself.

Looking back, I was so depressed that I simply could not make intelligent decisions. I was just going through the motions of living, and ALL of my defenses were down.

But the breaking point came about six months after the suicide when the kids and I went on a mini-vacation in Miami to try to get ourselves feeling better.

When we were on the beach one day, a man approached me and started a conversation with me. He asked me if I was single; where I was from; what I did for a living; etc. He seemed like a nice man, so after talking with him for several minutes I told him that my husband killed himself. He replied by saying: “Holy shit, he must have been really fucked up. And you must be fucked up too. Bye.” And then he quickly walked away.

I was stunned.

That statement ruined my vacation. I felt so angry that I wanted to punch a wall and scream. And I became deeply depressed again.

We had a few days left in Miami and I tried to be happy for the kids, but I was miserable.

It was the worst “vacation” of my life and I was glad to get back home. The day after our return I saw my therapist on an emergency basis and told her what happened, and after a long conversation I decided that I would stop telling people that Gary killed himself; I would instead say that he had a heart attack.

I told all of my close friends what I was doing and they supported me.

Maybe one day I will be able to talk freely about Gary’s suicide again, but it will have to be when I am really strong and have recovered from this experience. For now, I simply cannot handle the aggravation.

Until then, I am going to do what I need to do to protect myself and my family.


If you are suicidal, immediate action is required; so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action.

Thank you,

Kevin Caruso

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