Linda is a wonderful person who lost her son David to suicide.
She is struggling with severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts and has written an article describing how she feels.
If you feel
– or have ever felt
– some of these feelings too, you are not alone.
But please understand that there is HOPE.
Coping with a suicide is extremely difficult and the healing process can take a long time. But please know that YOU WILL get through the process.
Your life WILL improve. Things WILL get better. But please get help. Get into therapy. Talk with friends. And always reach out for help when you need it…ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS reach out for help when you need it.
WARNING: Please be advised that this article will be disturbing to some readers. Linda talks about the despair that she is feeling and expresses some powerful emotions. Discretion is advised.
And please keep in mind that Linda is fighting severe clinical depression and suicidal feelings but is getting help, including therapy, and is making progress.
I love you Linda and I will do everything that I can to help you for the rest of your life. You are an amazing person and you WILL get through this.
I am honored to be your friend,
My Life is Over: My Feelings of Despair After My Son’s Suicide
by Linda (David’s mom) and Kevin Caruso
I don’t know if I will make it through this life. I don’t know anymore. Every day I wake up and I am confused, depressed, and angry. I will never be the same and I keep wishing I was dead. I lost my son to suicide and now I am nothing. I am an empty shell. I am worthless. I am a criminal. I hate myself. I really, really hate myself. I am scum. Put me in prison and throw away the key. I killed David. I killed him. My brain does not even function properly any longer. I feel like I am barely alive. I am numb. Always numb. Every second of every day I am numb. Why go on? The point would be what? What in the hell is the point? I do not want to leave my house. I do not want to leave my bed. I will hide from the world – this world that I now hate. I wish I was never born. The world would have been a better place without me.
I was beaten up on a regular basis by my boyfriend. Now he is gone. I never loved him. He is a loser. I don’t even know where he is. But so what? I don’t even know who he is. I don’t even know who I am. But I deserved to be beaten up. I should be kicked over and over and slapped and punched and spat upon. Throw me into the pit of hell. I am worthless. No one loves me anyways. So death is knocking at my door and I am going to answer. Ha Ha. I think it is funny now. I am a funny person. I will be on television and in the movies and will go on tour and be a famous person. Ha Ha Ha. I can make people laugh because I am nuts. I am. I am. Ha Ha. Laughing at me not with me. Do you know that people laugh at me? That is because I am a lunatic. Look at that lady! Her son committed suicide! Her son was crazy and she is crazy too! They are nut cases. Ha Ha. And yes I do know that I am nuts. A real nut job. So I will laugh with them. Nut case. Nut case. That is me. Suicide. Death. And a lunatic woman. Nut case. Nut case. This world is a joke. What do we live for? There is no God. There is no Heaven. Those are stupid stories that someone made up. There is only pain, hate, evil, death, destruction, lies, and more crap like that. We live in a cesspool. Welcome to the world. Welcome to my world. But there is a hell. I know there is a hell. There is no Heaven, but there is a hell. I am sure of it, because I am in it. Would you like to climb down from your tower and join me? Come in and see what hell is like. Come down you people who are so happy. Come down from your towers. You have never experienced pain. Stop smiling and saying how great your lives are. Stop it and feel what I feel. Wait until you feel this. And then you will know what hell is.
So now what am I supposed to do? I cannot think straight. My mind jumps. Thoughts race. I cannot control this crap that is in my head. I could not find David. And then I found him hanging from a rope in our garage. Take this out of my head. Take it away from me. I can’t stop seeing that. I see pictures of death in my head. I think of horrible things that happened to me. I have lost the battle with my mind. It has won and now it controls me. It tells me that I am a loser all day long. It talks to me. It shows me slide shows from hell. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to watch, but my mind makes me watch. So I am crazy now. Ropes and ropes. I don’t want to see any more ropes. But I will see a rope when I hang myself. Because I will commit suicide.
Do I move to another city or state now? Where to? My hell will come with me. So where am I supposed to move to? I cannot run away. My mind is with me all of the time. So I am trapped. I have lost my mind and it is all over. It is all over and the darkness has pulled me in. Why has all of this happened to me? I don’t know but I will never get out of bed and I will rot to death. That is what I deserve. My life is over.
If you are suicidal, immediate action is required; so please
read the information on the home page of this website and take action.